WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?

We all have something to hide.

It occurred to me that either everyone else is a secret snob or the heady days of the secret passage and sliding bookcases are relegated to childhood memories of Scooby Doo. What happened to our secret secrets built into our houses? Are they taboo after the bad rap from countless horror movies? Are they only for the rich or drug dealers, or rich drug dealers? Or is it a forgotten trade needing some life put back in it?

If I walked into a house for sale and found myself in a secret den after rotating through the fireplace I would immediately hand the owner a blank check and back up the moving truck. And I know there would be few who would disagree with this approach.  The idea of having a secret hidden sanctuary within my own home that even some of my family might not be aware of titillates my spirit.  Maybe it’s the parent in me wanting to escape the hordes, or maybe I have an unquenchable desire to block out the world.

Let's consider the different opportunities we're currently overlooking in our homes:

The Clever and Discreet category of hidey holes gives homeowners a low cost secret space for small valuables like cash, firearms, special packages and blackmail evidence.

1. The classic wall safe behind the hinged painting. Try not to use a suspicious looking portrait as cover for this one.
2. The removable floor board under the carpet. (Very popular in the master bedroom dressing room.)
3. The magnetised skirting board for those quick access moments. The drawback with these is prohibitive knee injuries and curious maids behind a vacuum.

The midcap space provides one with a greater volume of space for the harder to hide objects in our lives such as ourselves for short periods, large stashes of special packages, wine collections, sexy costumes and perhaps the Mona Lisa:

1. The sliding cabinet wall with a shallow recess. It is preferable to locate the activator for this across the room, but maybe not in the obvious under the desk edge location.
2. The compact circular stair well in the floor of the pantry. Very hard to conceal but capitalises on the under utilised subterranean spaces.
3. The simple to conjure, but difficult to execute false wall at the back of the wardrobe.

These two categories provide a taste of what is possible but only partially satisfy our secret desires. While they are still excellent uses of a standard home for the disappearing of contraband they fall short of the real possibilities for a new or remodelled home of medium to large design. The more grandiose schemes must be bathed in secrecy and perhaps project managed into such small packages that the builders don't even realise what they've made. Ideas are limitless, but some starters include:

1. The secret passageway for the quick getaway or midnight interlude. The choices are endless depending upon your objective, all of which requiring you to move unseen by the public from one part of your house to another. Do you need to get from the grandfather clock to the upstairs closet? Or from inside the pantry to the baby's room? Perhaps you can slip out of the walk-in closet to the library bookcase for the insatiable midnight viewing of your hidden Picasso behind the sliding cabinet.
2. The underground lair (banned in Austria), very popular with scientists. When done for the right reasons this is the ultimate in a sound insulated, temperature controlled  voluminous cavern. Depending on your landscape you can add in special entrances under tree trunks or through the family crypt with linking tunnels back to the library, from where the smart owner can slip through the secret passage back into the bedroom.
3. But the most practical, versatile and well patronised choice is the hidden room. Whether big or small its mere existence brings peace of mind to any respectable head of the house. And getting there is the most exciting part. Fireplaces, sliding walls, rotating bookshelves, and hinged one-way mirrors are all acceptable portals. Once you're in the fun begins. Express that other part of your personality with an eclectic collection of passion apparatus or privately enjoy those rare highly desired artworks up close and personal like they were meant to. There's nothing wrong with a consensual hidden harem or experiential pleasure nest the invited arrive in blindfolded. You are no longer bound by the socially acceptable norms once you have a highly secretive inner sanctum.

So I leave you closer to achieving that dream. Closer to letting the inner you blossom, without compromising your important social stature. Secrets are not taboo, they're meant to be or it wouldn't have been invented. Find a home for your secrets within your walls and don’t tell the kids.

-BTB