A home for my toaster

I don't mind Ford or Ikea, but I hate department stores the same way I hate being demographically profiled by housing contractors.

I have 5 year old tailored shirts I prefer to wear more then the one I bought last week at the shops because they just fit right. My sleeves are too short, the necks too big or the cut is so fat I flap in a mild breeze. Only when the planets align do I find a pair of pants where the waist and length match my genetically disproportionate body structure. Is it really this hard?

I suppose if I didn't by mass produced clothing through bulk buying orders I'd be forced to figure out my own trend. This I can assure would be quite interesting for one of us, I'm no slouch when it comes to sassified trappings. But its probably a good thing I do not as it would most likely result in many more children I'm not aware of. The fringe benefit for me is clothing that fits me perfectly. No need for elastic waistbands, release straps, or extra holes for cuff links. Unfortunately the downside is an empty wallet for the special individual care for to my body. And so, like most of us out there, I'm drawn to the manufactured goodness that comes in a range of sizes with standard proportions. I put up with the inaccuracy. Why? Because it does the job, not perfectly, but it protects me from wind, sun, rain and causing car crashes from rubbernecks. But how I wish I had a local tailor with an economic pricepoint.

Luckily I live in a slightly different way. After driving home in my mass produced car, and eating at my mass produced kitchen table, with my mass produced fork, plate, glass, steak, rice and salad I sit in front of my factory made TV on my store bought couch before retiring to my Sealy mattress. However, all of this is kept inside one of the only things left in the works that can be unique; a house. Not many are custom made any more and its not hard to understand why. Much of the money spent on your desired location is sunk in the ground, leaving the improvement built on top of it subject to the residual debt owned by the bank. That's if you're able to find the block of dirt to begin with after competing with the major developers who have land banked the remaining portions of the earth not underwater.

Labour isn't cheap, and neither are the building products best bought in bulk. Anything not straight, or in rubix cube form, seems to require an exorbitant amount of thinking before the hammer starts swinging. With time being the essence of labour costs, thanks to Einstein's theory on relativity, the build cost can defy the space time continuum at foundation stage. The trick is to use relativity to your advantage by using the principles of buying and management.to your advantage. Its a hard learned lesson that demands patience, trust and intuition.

First thing to accept is that you're investing in yourself, and that it will cost you a premium. Stepping into the realm of architecturally designed is always more expensive then prefabricated in a factory, or predetermined home designs.... until you start dipping into all those tempting options and upgrades. Mass production has provided us many wonderful gadgets I couldn't normally afford; condoms, socks and hemorrhoid cream. The difference with homes is they're a collection of mass produced items nailed together. So the boundary between economies of scale are a bit more difficult to control once you start bolting on extras. What you end up with in a kit home is like drinking Drano; sure it cleans you out but it leaves you feeling hollow inside. If you can get yourself comfortable with paying for what you get your half way there.

The next part to conquer is how you buy these sorts of things, and the answer is smart competition. It is an art form that can save you thousands simply by understanding competitive tension. Start by making sure you've got the right builders in the game or there's no point to any of it. Recommendations, word of mouth and examples of previous experience should make up a majority of your field, but its good practice to throw in one or two wild card builders, sourced independently, with the others to keep it interesting. You can even invite your tender group to submit an initial expression of interest to see who's interested and gain some knowledge on their capability. Next choose the number of players you want to tender to. Never less then 3, or more then 7. Ideally 5 builders in a big tender will ensure you've got a ball game, but for home building three will do just fine. Then comes the fun part where you keep it simple and request your bids. Make sure that beyond the price they also tender the schedule and some quality options. Remember once you get your bids in the games not over. You still have the right to go back out with clarifications and additional tender items. Just don't be seen to play games or you'll lose your bidders. Understanding the demand in the industry is important in the way you treat your builders. You can also shortlist after a first round to get a sharper pencil for a final price. As a last resort you can finalise the deal with a negotiation, just don't lose your competitive edge too early. Negotiations can reduce cost if you're lucky, but mostly its useful for ironing out the details of the deal, like risk allocations or quality products. If done well you will end up with a competitive market price. It could be above or below budget, but its still the best the market can offer at the time.

The last part, which is really the part that continues the whole time, is the management of your project and expectations. Do not think it is easy but don't be scared either. Pick your team wisely and pay for what you want. Your architect and project manager can be the same or different people. If its you, then you better be in the business already. Its a quagmire of regulations, research, phone calls, letters and emails that are much better being someone else's problem that you can yell at. if they get it wrong. Nothing worse then having no one else to blame but yourself and finding that fixing the problem will cost you more then if you paid someone to do it for you in the end. Plus the best part is, since you hold the money, you get to be the master of everything and the expert in nothing.

Once you've finished your house, and filled it with Ikea, each part will fit perfectly. You'll find it amazing how proportions work and how the height of the benchtop in the kitchen can change your chiropractic habits. You'll wonder why you didn't always have a cupboard the right size for the toaster, or wardrobe with a tie rack and shoe cupboard. Your front door will most likely match the garage, windows will frame views, sunlight will warm the house and your bedroom can be acoustically insulated from the kids. Its a new world out there when you're walking around in pants the right size.

-BTB

WHAT MAKES YOU LIVE LIKE THAT?

Suppose you suddenly had no family, lover or relatives. You still have the same financial problems, and unfortunately the same boss. Are you living where you want to in a house that you love?

Now switch it up. Take back your loved ones and give up the job location, but no change to your finances (dammit!) Now where do you live?

The pressures of these two major forces in your life will dramatically influence the decision of where you live and what you live in (within the same paypacket.) It is an important exercise to think through for yourself because trying to understand why you are where you are is so difficult and so important at the same time. It keeps coming up again and again as you reflect on the possibilities. Deciphering the complexity of why often leads to a stalemate of status quo and can be a dangerous ingredient to your suicidal outlook. However having a confident grasp on that same position of your life can bring satisfaction and inspiration to millions.

Sure, no partner likes being considered a potential anchor on your life, especially wives they're always sensitive with that one, but they're probably not the anchor, you are. For how many times have you balanced these issues separately and clearly in your mind without entering some sort of blame game that others are.  Your job and your family each take turns in the blame-go-round non-amusement ride in your head and your face wears a scowling appearance that makes others want to pour filth down the back of your shirt.

So what are the differences you ask?

THE JOB

Unless you were born into some form of wealth the hovers in celestial orbit around the rest of us ants you are required to work. If you're not you are a) infirm old or incredibly ugly , b) prohibited by law or c)  living off of me. Item C'rs see below.

I don't mind paying into a social welfare system. In fact I move countries if there isn't one installed. Not everyone can afford life like the other 80% of us can, and the truth is we've got more then we need. But if you think you've figured out a clever way to buck the system and get paid by lying about being an A or B person then you're screwing us all. But most of all your stealing from those that need it most, not from those that earned the money. How do you feel now knowing your stealing from orphans. Effectively removing any hope of getting a used teddy bear at Christmas and slapping their half eaten bread roll out of their skinny cold hands. Luckily I've managed to start fixing this situation by inventing a food dye that glows fuscia in your iris under the right lighting. Social welfare desks are having these installed all over the country as we speak to weed out the purple eyes of our society. Its not perfect technology yet so the effects are permanent. Good for you.

So if you're working, you most likely have some wonderful stories to tell about the dysfunctional office or factory environment you spend 3/4 of your life in. You'll have a charming boss, or more then likely these days, bosses, who has more control over your bodily functions then you do. But the most significant influence to your home is not the long lasting emotional scars you carry in your briefcase, its the location of your work and time spent there.

My theory is the distance from your house to your job, multiplied by the time to commute is inversely proportional to the enjoyment of your home. Considering you spend more of your daily life in the confines of your ___________ (insert: car, bus, train, office, desk, station or chicken coop) then you do resting on the softness of your couch, then it goes without saying that proximity to your office is priority. With this in mind your luck at landing that swanky mid-level management rat hole analysis position will dictate where you can now live, and the amount of care you place into your homestead. If you have a stay at home partner then you're more likely to be told what to do at your home... Just like work but better because everyone loves being told what to do at home, too. Which brings us to the other side of the equation:

THE FAMILY

Those of us who have been lucky enough to photocopy ourselves into small, hard to find people with magnified personalities and voices know the importance of having a good home for the family. By good I mean having a roof, lockable doors, internal plumbing and room for a fridge and microwave. Everything else is a luxury that goes beyond the needs of a family. Yet we feel persecuted if we don't have the number of bedrooms and toilets equal the house inhabitants, stone benchtops, foreign appliances, separate rooms for clothing and toys and a TV room with a 2 storey Imax screen.

The family unit brings with it an interesting compounding dilemma in the demands that develop as the dependents get bigger. So where you once thought how important it was to hear the baby from the lounge, now becomes an exercise in training the brain to match the competing sounds of the TV and music with the moving lips on the screen. Kids get bigger, houses get smaller and you stay the same size but reduce in relevance. Space is a commodity of peace and tranquillity.  Hence the McMansion craze when many of us were given other peoples money for free. However, the lessened learned from this supersizing was not that other peoples money isn't free, its that all that extra space now needs to be fucking cleaned! More space = more crap your family is happy to leave lying around everywhere. So find that balance that forces clever storage and reduces your time bent over picking up shit.

A families influence doesn't stop at the front door. Beyond the safety of home where you prefer to have them locked 'safely' away, hidden from the neighbours is your rolling green lawns of immaculate conception that kids need for fun, but rarely use. Circle this expanse with an aesthetically pleasing stockade fence and you've got yourself a great breeding ground for endless hours of spare time landscaping. Or, for some, a foreign employment sanctuary.

The neighbourhood comes into focus just before the mother gets that sparkle in her eye. Suddenly the traffic, hospital, schools, neighbours and parks take on an order if importance unparalleled by the previous interests in cafes, restaurants, pubs, clubs, shops, and gyms.  For those 13 years of a child's life, your life is subservient to the umbilical cord connection of the local school. Nobody wants to raise a loser with no friends so it must be firmly established that your children's school friends are the most important protection between your child having a successful adult life and roaming the earth a wandering soul in a hobo uniform. Or something similar of that nature. 4 OUT OF 5 professional psychologists agree.

But wait a minute. Where do I fit I, you ask?  I'm the important one who working and providing. I deserve freedom of choice. I could have been somebody, somewhere doing something. Now all I got is this shack filled with hungry mouths, a shitty job, and a traffic jam.

Well, guess what, you did decide and you are somewhere but your doing little about it. And you continue to do so with each bleary eyed morning.

Your home is the semblance of your self, where your lives connect and collide. The attention given to the house you live in pays back into the vestige of your happiness. If your home satisfies the demands created by the decisions made towards your job and your family you achieve a state of equilibrium from which additional investment leads to the enhancement of your sanctuary, sense of achievement and confidence in the choices you've made.

-BTB

WHERE’S YOUR INNER SANCTUM?

The man cave, tool shed, parlour, dressing room, the majlis. 

Image: CARY WOLINSKY

Where can you find sanctuary from the world?

Too much time is spent and not enough is earned. In fact you should probably think of it the other way around. Normally I'm out earning from others so I can spend on us but for some reason I consider everything I do as spending time. If I'm at work, which is normally 98.3% of my life, I'm earning that chance to spend time the way I want to. I'm sure most people would feel the same desire to flip over the meeting table and berate the other attendees as you walk out of the office back to your life when told you had a real choice to either spend time drinking instant coffee under flouro lights or sip a cool drink in your backyard zen garden.

So let’s say you were able to hack your way through the concrete jungle out into a clearing where your homestead is firmly rooted to the ground.  What next?  You’re not gonna sit on the kerb and cry.  No, in the door, keys in the bowl, shoes off.  If you’ve got a purse, drop it.  If you’ve got someone else’s backpack, you’re a sherpa and you should return it to the mountain top. Last check of the phone before you turn around and… slam, welcome back to the family feud.  Its all good, of course, but the frenzy of the outside world has followed you back in the house and it ain’t over yet. There’s still homework, dinner, bath, story, bed etc. etc. For those without the family unit,  you’ve managed to close the door on the noise a bit earlier in the day, but where are you now?  When your body and brain align in search of respite,retirement, relief, what do you have in your home that provides a sanctuary for your soul?

It could be the TV couch, the balcony, the bedroom, or for the remaining few in this world, a reading chair.  It’s not a hard question to answer because you do it everyday- by routine usually.  Have you ever stopped to think how important this place is for your sanity? And then think about what more you could do to improve it by seeing it for what it is and not just a colour scheme that matches the furniture. 

This is where homes get interesting.  It’s the inner sanctum of personal surroundings that only the invited may enter.  And while your significant other is as important to you as my wife is to me, there’s a requirement here to ignore your marital duties to obey and think of the self.(Note from the editor – that’s never a good thing.)

Different approaches have developed in the world that can be called upon for your own inspiration.  The more diversity within a good idea, usually the better it is. 

For example, for the ultra patient minds there is the Japanese garden to cultivate.  Not the sandbox on your desk with mini rakes. The proper outdoor space protected by the home where you untie your nerves and follow the snaking path of the parallel lines in the stone.  Or for a social approach to congregation of close friends, developed from the separation of sexes in Arabia, you might find yourself at the majlis.  Reclining on rugs or comfortable furniture, sipping coffee and talking the talk.  In the west, blessed with basements, you may find the compromised man reliving his glory days in the man cave.  Fully equipped with sound, TV, PS3, beer fridge, old couches and plenty of neon lighting and tasteful posters falling from the walls. In the proper world of the women folk you get the tastefully starched combination of both; where comfortable furniture is replaced with pristine upright chairs and puffy fabrics, ticking clocks, and dust free side tables with competing porcelain and crystal knick knacks and family photographs.

We’re not all blessed with this luxury of space. But more often it’s realising the importance of being able to switch off.  Turn the mind to the greater issues affecting your life, much like senior management is tasked with strategising the future.  When you lock horns with your life you get a great view of the ground.  You need the opportunity to switch your perspective and see the horizon on a regular basis.  Dr. Seus said, “"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  The questions are all around you, so find a way to see the answers beyond them.

Try thinking about how you want to spend time, while you’re busy earning it.  Then design your sanctuary around it.

-BTB

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?

We all have something to hide.

It occurred to me that either everyone else is a secret snob or the heady days of the secret passage and sliding bookcases are relegated to childhood memories of Scooby Doo. What happened to our secret secrets built into our houses? Are they taboo after the bad rap from countless horror movies? Are they only for the rich or drug dealers, or rich drug dealers? Or is it a forgotten trade needing some life put back in it?

If I walked into a house for sale and found myself in a secret den after rotating through the fireplace I would immediately hand the owner a blank check and back up the moving truck. And I know there would be few who would disagree with this approach.  The idea of having a secret hidden sanctuary within my own home that even some of my family might not be aware of titillates my spirit.  Maybe it’s the parent in me wanting to escape the hordes, or maybe I have an unquenchable desire to block out the world.

Let's consider the different opportunities we're currently overlooking in our homes:

The Clever and Discreet category of hidey holes gives homeowners a low cost secret space for small valuables like cash, firearms, special packages and blackmail evidence.

1. The classic wall safe behind the hinged painting. Try not to use a suspicious looking portrait as cover for this one.
2. The removable floor board under the carpet. (Very popular in the master bedroom dressing room.)
3. The magnetised skirting board for those quick access moments. The drawback with these is prohibitive knee injuries and curious maids behind a vacuum.

The midcap space provides one with a greater volume of space for the harder to hide objects in our lives such as ourselves for short periods, large stashes of special packages, wine collections, sexy costumes and perhaps the Mona Lisa:

1. The sliding cabinet wall with a shallow recess. It is preferable to locate the activator for this across the room, but maybe not in the obvious under the desk edge location.
2. The compact circular stair well in the floor of the pantry. Very hard to conceal but capitalises on the under utilised subterranean spaces.
3. The simple to conjure, but difficult to execute false wall at the back of the wardrobe.

These two categories provide a taste of what is possible but only partially satisfy our secret desires. While they are still excellent uses of a standard home for the disappearing of contraband they fall short of the real possibilities for a new or remodelled home of medium to large design. The more grandiose schemes must be bathed in secrecy and perhaps project managed into such small packages that the builders don't even realise what they've made. Ideas are limitless, but some starters include:

1. The secret passageway for the quick getaway or midnight interlude. The choices are endless depending upon your objective, all of which requiring you to move unseen by the public from one part of your house to another. Do you need to get from the grandfather clock to the upstairs closet? Or from inside the pantry to the baby's room? Perhaps you can slip out of the walk-in closet to the library bookcase for the insatiable midnight viewing of your hidden Picasso behind the sliding cabinet.
2. The underground lair (banned in Austria), very popular with scientists. When done for the right reasons this is the ultimate in a sound insulated, temperature controlled  voluminous cavern. Depending on your landscape you can add in special entrances under tree trunks or through the family crypt with linking tunnels back to the library, from where the smart owner can slip through the secret passage back into the bedroom.
3. But the most practical, versatile and well patronised choice is the hidden room. Whether big or small its mere existence brings peace of mind to any respectable head of the house. And getting there is the most exciting part. Fireplaces, sliding walls, rotating bookshelves, and hinged one-way mirrors are all acceptable portals. Once you're in the fun begins. Express that other part of your personality with an eclectic collection of passion apparatus or privately enjoy those rare highly desired artworks up close and personal like they were meant to. There's nothing wrong with a consensual hidden harem or experiential pleasure nest the invited arrive in blindfolded. You are no longer bound by the socially acceptable norms once you have a highly secretive inner sanctum.

So I leave you closer to achieving that dream. Closer to letting the inner you blossom, without compromising your important social stature. Secrets are not taboo, they're meant to be or it wouldn't have been invented. Find a home for your secrets within your walls and don’t tell the kids.

-BTB